Such were the thoughts swirling around in my head while I sat in a house without electricity, water, and phone service. For I wanted to believe that something was going-on; but I did not have a clue about what it might be.
Yes, I considered the possibility of it being the hand of God at work; but that was summarily dismissed. For it was primarily bad things that kept happening; and I had been raised to believe that He had nothing to do that.
No, I was not at concerned about my "backsliding" (a falling away from the faith). For I had been also raised-up to believe in: "once saved/always saved" (the Doctrine of Eternal Security), which meant that all who had publicly testified unto their acceptance of the Lord Jesus Christ as being their own personal Lord and Savior, and were baptized in water (fully immersed) for the cleansing of sin, would be accepted into Heaven no matter what direction their live's took afterward.
Then: I woke-up one morning; and everything had changed. For I no longer had any confidence in that position.
So: I offered my services unto the devil in exchange for making me rich, powerful, healthy, and irresistible unto very attractive women; but mostly in regards unto the irresistible part. For that was where my head was at the time.
Talk about being a really sick puppy: how could I have done such a thing for something so ultimately trivial? For who in their right-mind would want to trade eternal joy for temporary satisfaction?
Ah, but I had a plan. For I was thinking that maybe Hell would not be such a bad place if one had of made friends with Satan before entering his domain.
Besides: he was the only one left to turn to. For I was convinced that God no longer wanted to have anything to do with me.
Nonetheless: my mother was not convinced; and she was certainly unwilling to see me join the forces of the dark-side without a fight. Therefore: she gave me one of my old Bibles; and begged me to start reading it again.
Be assured that I resisted all urges to pick-up that Bible. For all I wanted to do is wait for an answer unto my prayer; and keep a watchful eye on what was appearing around me.
Yes, all of the familiar images were on display just about everywhere I looked; but there was also a new one that really caught my attention. For it was of a man dressed in beaded buckskins (like an American Indian in traditional clothes) holding a war-club (shaped like an elongated bird of prey) who appeared to be really standing in the room (not on the walls).
No, he did not move at all; but he did have a rather unnerving stare going-on. For it looked like he was staring into the very depths of my soul.
My vigil ended on the third day (coincidentally?). For I finally picked-up my old Bible just to get my mother to shut-up about it for maybe a little while; and it fell open unto the first chapter of Luke (New Testament).
"For with God nothing shall be impossible" {Luke 1:37 KJV} caught my attention; and then: the strangest thing happened. For it was like a light went on; and my heart became filled with hope. For if nothing is impossible with God: then nothing would be impossible for God; and if nothing is impossible for God: then it would be possible for Him to forgive even me!!!
Other than having a great desire to absorb as much of the Bible as I could: nothing seemed to change. That is: as in regards unto anything overtly noticeable. For a few days later: I discovered that foul language no longer came out of my mouth, nor entered into my thoughts.
Oh yes, that came as a great shock unto me. For I could not complete a sentence without adding some very colorful adverbs and adjectives (not to mention: all of the off-color stuff) before.
No, I was not trying to be cool. Well, maybe a little at first; but at the time of my cleansing: I did not care about what others might think. For that was just the way I talked.
Just as a side-note: a girl once told me that I could not be cool even after being left in a meat locker for 8 hours; and another one once told me that I was dumber than dirt. Now: I know that those things were meant as an insult; but the joke is still on them. For I have never understood what either one means.
Anyway: my euphoric feelings over my spiritual mouth-washing did not last long. For the sexually explicit images continued to appear.
In fact: they were more pronounced than ever. For eye lashes, fingernails, "body" hair and facial expressions were clearly visible unto me.
Thoughts about being beyond redemption filled my head; and terror gripped my heart. For I was under the impression that if the Lord really touched a person: they would be set free from a life of sin forever.
I desperately searched the Scriptures to find an answer; but none was found. Then: I had another thought about nothing being impossible for God; and that brought some peace.
It did not last long, however. For I could not take my eyes off of the sexually explicit images for more than a moment or two; and my "American Indian" friend would not take his eyes off of me.
I would repeat "God is in control" over and over again in my head. For that would give me some peace.
Sometimes I would even say it out-loud when no one was "visibly" around. For I could remember hearing somewhere that such things would keep the devil and his demons away.
Then: I was outside of my house one day; and a disturbing thought invaded the inner recesses of my mind. For it reasoned that if God really was in control: then He would have to be at least partially responsible for all of the "bad" things in my life.
Yes, most "Christians" would be confident of knowing just where that came from; but they would be deceived. For at the very moment I took that thought about God being in control of even the "bad" stuff: a light came on that drove me unto my knees.
No, it was not like what the Apostle Paul experienced while he was still a Pharisee by the name of Saul {Acts 9:1-9}. For I heard nary a sound from Heaven, nor from anywhere else.
Nonetheless: I do believe that it was a lot like what happened unto the Prophet Jeremiah {Jeremiah 1:4-10}. That is: apart from having a direct conversation with Him at the time. For I felt like I really was in the very presence of the Lord while being flooded with an enormous amount of His knowledge and understanding.
Oh yes, the images were still there; but I did find out a thing or two about my "American Indian" friend. For it was explained unto me that he represented the Lord Jesus Christ holding me in His hand.
Hence: a revelation of my "calling". For the war-club in his hand was a "FishHawk".
A FishHawk? Well, it has to do with being an aggressive fisher of men (and women). For a hawk goes forth in search of their "prey"; but this is not to say that I was called to follow in the footsteps of far too many before me.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Since the Blogger spam filter has been found sorely lacking lately, I will start moderating comments. Be assured that I am only interested in deleting spam. So, if you feel a need to take me to task over something—even anonymously, go ahead and let 'er rip, and I will publish it as soon as I can.