Monday, January 19, 2009

Come Monday...North Pole Meltdown

“Come Monday…” is a weekly series that will involve a review of websites, movies, documentaries, television shows, sports, music, and whatever else may tickle my fancy at the time. Be assured that these reviews will be generally positive, as in accordance to the Jimmy Buffett song “Come Monday.” This is subject to change, however. In fact, I would be most derelict in my duties to neglect going on a rant every once in a while. For rants promote change, and change can be good—right? Therefore, since good is generally considered as being a positive force in 99.3% of the parallel universes that I am aware of, even a rant could be considered as being something positive, and a genuine hissy-fit would be even better (I am told).

It is indeed with a heavy heart that I must report that a great tragedy has supposedly occurred at the North Pole. Many questions remain unanswered, but it would seem that Santa Claus went crazy sometime after making his appointed rounds last Christmas.

Uninformed sources have confirmed that unknown elements of unnamed government agencies have engaged in a misinformation campaign for no apparent reason, which might explain why it has taken so long to hear relatively nothing about what may have happened. Despite the insidious efforts of a couple of nefarious trolls from New Jersey, U.S.A. and Scotland, U.K., we were able to obtain a copy of a videotaped deposition of an unofficial eyewitness, however. A transcript of the testimony is provided for those who can’t believe what they’re hearing.

The following video contains images and testimony unsuitable for most children and many adults. Proceed with caution.

Link: [On YouTube]

The Night Santa Went Crazy
Weird Al Yankovic
Down in the workshop
All the elves were makin’ toys
For the good Gentile girls
And the good Gentile boys
When the boss busted in
Nearly scared ‘em half to death
Had a rifle in his hands
And cheap whiskey on his breath
From his beard to his boots
He was covered with ammo
Like a big fat drunk
Disgruntled Yuletide Rambo
And he smiled as he said
With a twinkle in his eye
Merry Christmas to all
Now you’re all gonna die

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he’s been getting’ a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain

Well the workshop is gone now
He decided to bomb it
Everywhere you’ll find pieces
Of Cupid and Comet
And he tied up his helpers
And he held the elves hostage
And he ground up poor Rudolph
Into reindeer sausage
He got Dancer and Prancer
With an old German Luger
And he slashed up Dasher
Just like Freddy Krueger
And he picked up a flamethrower
And he barbequed Blitzen
And he took a big bite and said
It tastes just like chicken

The night Santa went crazy
The night Kris Kringle went nuts
Now you can’t hardly walk around the North Pole
Without steppin’ in reindeer guts

There’s the National Guard
And the F.B.I.
There’s a van from the Eyewitness News
And helicopters circlin’ ‘round in the sky
And the bullets are flyin’
The body count’s risin’
And everyone’s dyin’ to know
Oh Santa why
My my my my my my
You used to be such a jolly guy

Yes Virginia
Now Santa’s doin’ time
In a federal prison
For his infamous crime
Hey little friend
Now don’t you cry no more tears
He’ll be out with good behavior
In 700 more years
But now Vixen’s in therapy
And Donner’s still nervous
And the elves all got jobs
Working for the postal service
And they say Mrs. Claus
She’s on the phone every night
With her lawyer
Negotiating the movie rights

They’re talkin’ ‘bout
The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nicholas flipped
Broke his back for some milk and cookies
Sounds to me like he was tired of getting’ gypped

The night Santa went crazy
The night St. Nick went insane
Realized he was getting’ a raw deal
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Something finally must have snapped in his brain
Tell ya
Something finally must have snapped
In his brain

Link: [Weird Al Yankovic]

Transcript From: [A-Z Lyrics Universe]


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